Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
