as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
