Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
