i don't like sucking hair
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
