"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
