When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
