Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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