Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I wish you could order shots online.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
