Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
