Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
