Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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