I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
