Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
