WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
