Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
