Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
