I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
sarcasm needs its own font
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
