there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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