4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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