Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Ketchup is God's man juice
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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