I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
