They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
