My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
