My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
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