we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
drinking out of a sandbucket again
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
