Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
