hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
