If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I will pee on everything he values.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
