I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
