he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
