You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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