life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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