I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
