took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
