I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
