Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
