So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
