I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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