sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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