Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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