i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
