Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
