my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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