Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
My balls are so social today.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
