Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
