no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
