my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
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