I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
