I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
