Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just threw up on my dentist
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
