I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Randomize
