The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
