i already hear my dad disowning me
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
