I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
