so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
