The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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